April 10, 2015

April Goals

floating (adj):
not fixed or settled in a definite place or state

That's pretty much how I've been feeling since February - like I'm floating, like I'm drifting around in Limbo. No one ever tells you how stressful that time between graduating and finding a real job is; no one ever mentions how lost you'll feel. I thought starting a career wouldn't be that hard considering my past experiences, but that's totally not the case. Everyone likes to talk about how so many jobs are being created blah blah blah, and I'm just like, "where?" This is the first time in my life when I've truly felt like I'm struggling. Maybe I've just been lucky, but I thought I was doing the right thing up until now. But recently the only words I have to describe my state of being are confusion, stress, mediocrity, and doubt. I feel like I'm in a tunnel, and there's absolutely no light at the end of it.

And I'm not blaming anyone here. This is my situation, and it's up to me to deal with it. But I literally have no idea what to do to fix this problem. And those words carry so much more weight than the simple thought that I should be applying to more jobs or using my resources more effectively. The pit that I'm in is so much deeper than that. It's hard to choose a path when you're standing at a crossroads and taking just one step makes you wonder if you're about to step off a cliff. I feel paralyzed.

So my goal for this month:

+ Stop floating. Find the ground, plant myself, and move forward. But y'all, that's so much easier said than done. Just writing those words makes me feel like I'm plunging into shark-infested waters with an open wound. And yeah, I'm sure I'm not the only one my age experiencing this same situation, but I'm counting lifeboats, and it seems like there's one for everyone but me. Hell, I don't even have a life jacket to keep me afloat.

And I apologize if this post seems incredibly melodramatic, but life is fitting of a melodrama sometimes. So sue me.

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